I am so fed up with my mom and sister rubbing my weight issues in.  I mean....you'd think my mom of all people would understand how I feel right now....which is pretty damn miserable.  I think my inside feelings (and lack of exercise) have led to my weight gain of 40 pounds.  With the wedding coming up, my mom is pressuring me to lose all the weight I gained.  Trust me...I want to badly as well.  I feel tired all the time and I'll admit that I'm depressed.  My dad has told me that I have celulite, my mom has said that I am starting to look chubby, and so forth.  Right now, I couldn't care less.  I think I look beautiful, and in my honest opinion, I tend to hide my weight very well and no one would guess my true weight. I think I look pretty good for what I weigh, even if I am techinically overweight now.  I would really like to start exercising with my friend Samantha, since she works at the gym.  I figure we could walk on the treadmill.  I feel what I need most right now is encouragement and a hug...not more pressure and stress.  I am fed up!  I am fed up with being overweight and I am fed up with people commenting on it.  Like the other night, when my mom was talking to a friend of hers....she said "Well...she's not slim anymore."  Which is true, but a harsh stab in the back....rubbing it in.  I feel like I am growing bitter toward my mom and sister, since they seem to take sides against me.  I just want to be loved for who I am.  Is that really too much to ask?  It's amazing that my own friends and professors are more of a family to me than my mother and sister.  My friends and professors stick up for me and support me no matter what...they don't judge me.  They just love me for me.  ^_^

I simply do not understand how people can live with such deep guilt and still be willing to forgive.  I'm starting to wonder if forgiveness is possible.  When you are forced to live with your own mistakes, it just piles up on you and gets worse.  I have become somewhat of a recluse, trying to escape in my own little world, when in reality I can't even live with my own faults and mistakes. I know I'm only human, but high standards that you can't meet make it hard to live....especially in a dehumanizing environment.

How do you cope?  I feel like I need some answers and guidance.  I know that it's me that needs to make myself happy but now I feel that it's harder to reach more than ever.  At least now I know who I cannot open up to without getting harsh criticism.  I simply don't know what to do or how to handle this.  This semester has been busy and depressing for me.  In the end, it doesn't matter what I have accomplished because inside, I still feel the same.  Maybe I just need to let go of the past.